A whole month of Downs and Ups in October so far

The whole of October so far has been down and up. Job burn out was the first. Followed by sexual harassment on the train. The next one was a demand for me to hand over all my financial documents and bankrupt me to the end, which has ended in me keeping my financial stuff with me and the assholes empty handed.  Quite a bad month so far.

The only good thing was that I had two movies to watch with friends. Which was the only two things to get me through the whole month.  Two movies, Secretary and The Rocky Horror Picture Show plus party.

Both helped to redeemed the month of October. Secretary was good with friends. We ended talking about consent and how why it’s so important in all relationships, not just in kinky relationships.

As for Rocky Horror Picture Show plus party, it was so much fun! Dressed as one of the characters, watched the movie with all the screaming and yelling and sing along! Plus the after party was fun. Though I did end up with a bruised bum and a bruised/potentially fractured hand from dancing too hard.

So it’s a short summary which will be elaborated later on.



Life goes on

So it’s been awhile. I’m still alive and kicking. Somewhat. Work has gotten even busier. I’m finding it more and more harder to do other things. I’m always so emotionally and mentally drained after work.  I can’t really muster up the energy to do anything else.

Not even the motivation. Not one iota of it.  Life still goes on and I finally have the energy to write this post.

Life for me has gone on. Still adjusting. Still learning again how to be single. Still learning to deal with the aftermath of the end of an amazing relationship. Life still goes on.

I’ve flung myself deep into work. Which apparently was a bad thing to do. Cause I’ve made myself even more emotionally and mentally exhausted.  I’m struggling to live my life.

It doesn’t help that now since I’m back to being a single sub that part of me that was for so long satisfied is now a yawning gaping hole. It has shown me how much I have let my previous relationship grow and integrate into my very being. So now I’m throwing in small handful of dirt and sand to close that gap. But I’m very determine to close that gap with my handful of dirt and sand. Never doubt this sub! I’m independent and strong and will survive this.  Also it’s time to just rest and figure out what my next step will be.

Life still goes on, and so will I.

Meeting S again and asking for help…

So for a long time I’ve been struggling with my submissive side. Since I have tried several times to really break it off with S, it always ends up with me running back to him.  Well finally in February 2017 I put it to him that I could no longer continue this relationship. I was not going to sleep with him or play with him anymore.

S understood and knew what it was. Kinda. But he understood much much later when I talked to him again.  So we parted ways as friends. But my submissive side was not happy at all. In fact, my submissive side threw a major tantrum and that made it for very difficult nights to sleep. It was a bit of a struggle emotionally for me as it was all over the place.My submissive side refused to understand that we no longer belonged to S. So in April/May, I asked if he could help me just by doing one thing. I asked him to tell me that I was no longer his submissive.

We met up for lunch and we talked. He asked why I was hurt by the relationship.  I told him that it was because we had such a good relationship that I wanted more. I wanted to really date him for real, to have a much more serious relationship.  Not all this cloak and dagger stuff. Because I really wanted my own partner it was why the relationship between S and me became hurtful and damaging.  It didn’t really matter that we had good times and good chemistry and that we were awesome together.  It mattered to me that he was still attached to his own family.  I did not want things to go on as they are.  And he was never going to leave his family. He could not be what I wanted or needed. So I needed him to release my submissive side from his grasp.

I think that hurt S a lot. I do not know. All I know is when he did tell me that I was no longer his submissive, that he wasn’t the dominant for me, I think he almost cried. I know it was so mushy that I could not stand it. But I listened cause I needed it.  It helped a lot. My submissive side finally accepted it.  We no longer belong to S.  We were freed. We are no longer in contention.

It has made so much easier now to process the emotions and dealing with the end of a special relationship.  It’ll take time. But time is all I have and what I need for now.

Adventures in Dating and Finding a Dom Part 3

Oh boy. This next one left me shaking my head. Not because the guy I was talking to is horrible and still is horrible, but the fact that so many women and female subs have made it so easy for this type of men to think it is easy to get away from it.


So on one of my forays into Okcupid, there was this German guy who started talking to me.

We started talking about work. Which went like this:

German Guy: I worked at (realistic company). How about you?

Me: Oh Yeah. I work at a (company).

German Guy: Cool.

Me: So what do you do in your spare time?

German Guy: I work out. Hang out with friends. What about you?


We went back and forth and then migrated to Whats App.

From there the conversation went like this:

German Guy: Hey it’s me. Happy New Year! How are you darling?

Me: Not too bad. How about yourself?

German Guy: I’m on my way to (insert Hotel here). Will call you when I reach.

Me: Ok Sure.

This made me raise my eyebrow.  Why mention a hotel plus saying you will call me with out telling me in advance that you were coming? So I just let it be and went about my day. The guy obviously didn’t call.

The next time I hear from him, he called my phone.

German Guy: “Hey sweetie! I wanted to hear what you sound like.

Me: Well now you know.  How well do you speak German?

German Guy: Obviously very well.

Me: Cool. I’ve been learning German for a bit.

German Guy: Wow, say something in German for me.

Me: Ich spreche kein Deutsch sehr gut

German Guy: *laughs* Don’t bite me she said!

Me: Yeah my German isn’t very good.  But anyway it’s late I got to go.

German Guy: OK. Good night sweetie.

Major red flag there. He doesn’t know German. Obviously not a German then. What next proceeded was a lot of pictures of him nude… Which I deleted.   So obviously this guy is trying to get me to fall for him, as hard as he can. As well as faking to be something he isn’t.  He has not offered to help me improve my German nor correct my pronunciation at least or even tell me I was saying it wrong. Anyone would want to help correct another person who is learning their language.

More photos of him arrive, but this time of him hanging out with his friends.  By this time I’m thinking the pictures are not of him, but probably taken from some poor soul’s computer or using his friend’s photos instead.  I didn’t bother to image search them. Just deleted them. They didn’t match the photo on his profile on OkCupid anyway.  Major red flag as well.

So I decided to see how far this would go. We’ve been talking a while and mostly it is like this :

German Guy: How are you darling?

Me: Good. How are you? Working today?

German Guy: I’m good. Just finished work and now at home chilling on Netflix.

Me: Cool. Nice shows to watch?

German Guy: Yeah nice show to watch. I’m coming down and will arrive on Wednesday 4:30pm.

Me: Cool, I’ll take some leave and show you around.


So I checked. No flights arriving on Wednesday to here from his location.  What a big fat liar.  I didn’t bother to take leave. Just text him on whats app asking where is he and which terminal he is at. No reply from him at all.

This happened two more times. After which when he tried for a fourth time…


German Guy: Hey I’m coming down on Monday will reach 4:30pm

Me: Sure. It’s a holiday that day, so I can show you around. Why not take the 11 am flight? Will have more time to hang out with you then.

German Guy: But it will only reach at 4:30pm.

Me: It’s only an hour flight.

German Guy: Can you help me? I haven’t gotten my pay check yet, so can you lend me some money?

Me: There is no such thing as pay check. Companies transfer your pay into your bank account. And always on time as well.

German Guy: I seriously need the money. My company has not given me my pay check.

Me: No. You’re not German, you don’t work at (company here) and they always pay their employees on time, the flights to here are only an hour and are in the mornings and evenings, none in the afternoon, and you are nothing more then a scammer.

He tried to call me but I blocked him.

Wow, so that was what he was after. Money.  Plus his approached was so  obviously weak.  Could see it a mile away that he was no good.  Plus ignoring some of my statements and hoping I would forget his botched attempts at making me think he would actually come here was a big laugh. It was way too easy to check up on some of the facts he gave me.

Also reported him on OkCupid on what he did and the conversations I had with him.  Hopefully he gets banned on OkCupid.  But so far he is still going around scamming a lot of females. So better watch out for this guy! He might have changed from German to English man though since I caught him on that.

Adventures in Dating and Finding a Dom Part 2

So the search still goes on for a good Dom. Would I settle for a decent Dom? No. A decent Dom is one who would never improve. So no.

I will never settle for a:

  • Just pass Muster Dom
  • Average Dom
  • Decent Dom
  • Okish Dom
  • Domly McDom
  • Twue Doms

Why settle for one of these and end up with a less than average, or in an abusive relationship? No Thank you.

So I decided to try a few dating apps. Which turned out to be a not so good idea.

Tinder? That’s for hook-ups and one night stands. Not my type

Christian singles online dating sites? They never reply… Nor do they even bother to read what you want. Plenty of 18-year-olds and boys trapped in a men’s body looking for a mother instead of a life partner.

OkCupid? Some potential, but at the moment it’s lost under a deluge of men who think ‘Hi’ is a great one word pick up lines. Plus the conversations there are lacking. More ideal for vanilla dating than anything else.

But I decided that Okcupid might be a worth keeping to see if there were any decent men. Cause you get a few promising one every 100 messages or so.  So it’s a matter of going through all those one liners as quick as possible. I figure for every 100 ‘Hi’ messages, I’ll get a promising message.

I have found that a lot of men are butt hurt by the fact that I’m looking for guys my age or older, plus looking for a minimum of 70% match.Too bad, I’m not lowering my standards for anyone. I’m not going to go out with some guy who is going to expect me to lower my standards for everything just to please him.

If I lower my standards in any way, well I’ll end up in a very bad relationship.  As proven when I lower my standards on OKCupid once to see what happens,  there were way too many men demanding sex for the first meeting.  Even when my profile stated no sex.  See, when men think you will lower your own standards, they think they can get away with anything and everything with you.  So no. No lowering standards there and plenty of butthurt men who took it personally when I refuse to lower my standards.  One guy even wrote a nice impressive long list of curse words. Some of which I will take note for future use.

Still using dating apps to search for any kind of partner is like wading through a sea of needles to find a haystack.  You wade through many many pricks just to find the best partner for yourself.



Hello, the adventures have not ended

It’s been quite a while since I last posted.  So I’ll be updating here slowly. The last few adventures in finding a Dom have been rather interesting.

So here is a short summary of what will be coming up, not in any particular order:

  • Broadening out on more platforms for dating and finding a dom became a bad idea… for a short while
  • Scammer Number 1 (Baggage check)
  • Scammer Number 2 (Money check)
  • Forever we will never meet guy
  • Has no idea what kink is guy but still decides he can get free sex from it.

I can honestly say that both finding a dom and find a guy to date is the same… both have the exact same problems!!  Which will probably come out in the next few post.

Adventures in Dating and Finding a Dom Part 1?

So here we go, I decided to get on the fl website and post a classified ad that I was looking for a dom. I listed down what the basic type of dom I was looking for.

Five minutes after posting up the ad, I get three messages. 2 were not even within the age range.  1 was okish… not very great so we’ll see how it goes.

The next day I received five messages. Out of 5 messages, 1 was okish… but we’ll see.

Apparently the idiots outnumber the okish. The  2 who were okish… well 1 was a flop… the other one… am not so sure. Just going to see how it goes.


As for dating… well same as what’s happening in the fl website.


Sigh this is hard… just got to trudge on.